What Drives you?

I went for a adhoc run last night which is and always has been my training practice. Very rarely is there a training plan days ahead but nonetheless I get out there and do something a few times a week.

During my run last night I was confronted with a thing that I do and have done for a number of years now. I have never really spoken about this to many, if anybody that I can recall in recent times, but for some reason I chose to write about it now.

Without going too deep and without venturing into the dark and disturbing mind of Shane, my wife Cass was diagnosed with a secondary cancer called Non Hodgkin Lymphoma in 2011 after she dealt with breast cancer a few years earlier. To this day she is still undergoing treatment, procedures, and constant monitoring on a weekly basis. 2011, though was the most intensive and difficult for us as a family, but also for me on a personal level, it was certainly the hardest year to cope with.

I had a year of battles in my head, constant anxiety that I kept to myself and dealt with it internally. Probably not the best approach, but I didn't want this to affect Cass's quality of life given that she was undergoing chemo and radiation and didn't need the additional burden.

There came a time when I had a few things on at work and the added pressure pushed me to a point that was unable to cope effectively. This prompted me to see a psychologist, who advised me to start doing what I enjoyed and that was running. I think 2011 was the year that my training and dedication to the sport fell off it's rails which is understandable and it has never really returned to what it was pre 2011, I am not complaining though and I am fine with this.

Once I began to train again I found myself doing this rather strange thing in my head. Personally it helps me otherwise I guess I wouldn't do it but when you say it aloud or write it down it does sound weird.

During some sessions, not all, I find myself setting goals in my head. This is not strange in itself as I assume many do the same however, the twist to what I do is that if I achieve the goal then the outcome will be that Cass will be cured and not go through what she has to everyday. Not a being a religious man I am not sure who I am speaking to or who is going to action this request if I do achieve the challenge I set for myself, but I still make the deal with anyone or anything that is listening ;-)

At times I will have internal arguments during my run as I tend to make a goal when I am fresh and feeling good that results in a pretty difficult task. By half way I have the shits because it's hard and I want nothing more than to give up, but I generally battle on and run angry. If I don't achieve the goal then that is ok, it doesn't mean that something sinister is going to occur. The benefit to all of this is that I make the rules and they are somewhat biased to benefit me :-)

This has prompted me to find out what others do to motivate themselves when they are training. I think it is more pertinent when you train by yourself, but I'm sure people set mini goals in a group environment as well.